Have you ever asked yourself questions like these?
- How do I get my kid to listen?
- How do I make him stop hitting?
- Shouldn't she be able to get dressed by herself at this age?
- What consequence actually works?
- How do I make her understand she can't act like this?
- Why is he so disrespectful to me when he's good for everyone else?
I've asked them too, when I couldn't understand the behavior I was seeing or why the approaches I used weren't working.
You've probably asked these questions for good reasons: Because you want your child to do well. Because you want to be a good parent. And because you were raised to believe, without even realizing it, that the mark of a good parent is a compliant child. So when your child doesn't do what you say, your first instinct is to wonder what you're doing wrong.
If that internal self-judgment wasn't loud enough already, you also have a mother-in-law who thinks you aren't firm enough, a teacher who insists your child just needs more structure, and a pediatrician who can't understand why the reward chart she suggested hasn't yielded results.
Put it all together and you end up frustrated, with yourself and with your child, trapped in a cycle of arguments and consequences where no one is happy and nothing is changing.
I've realized over the years that these are the wrong questions to ask. These questions are exactly what keep parents stuck.
Letting go of these questions can feel hard at first. It can mean throwing away everything you thought you knew about parenting. But once you do it, I promise, things get easier – calmer at least.
Why the usual questions fail
Each of the questions above makes at least one critical error. They are based on unconscious assumptions we make, about our kids and about ourselves, that are often simply false for autistic, PDA, and ADHD kids–or any kid who's developing on his or her own timeline.
Let's look more closely at each one.
How do I make him stop hitting?
Two issues here. The question assumes he is making a conscious choice to hit instead of handling his emotions more calmly. It also assumes that you, as his parent, could force him to make a different choice, if you just found the perfect words, a better reward, or the right consequence.
Think of your own behavior as an adult. Have you ever said or done something you probably shouldn't have when you were upset? Did you kind of know you shouldn't do it at the time, but it was just too hard to rein yourself in? (I know I have.)
Now take that down to your kid's level. Hitting (or biting, throwing, name calling, destruction, you name it) is not the best response, but it may be the most accessible one to a child whose emotions have become too much. As Ross Greene stresses in his book The Explosive Child, these behaviors are signs of skill gaps–not evidence that your child is cruel or broken.
So if your child keeps [insert behavior here], try this: dig deeper. When does it tend to happen? When is he usually calmer? What's different about those times? Looking carefully, patiently, you'll begin to uncover missing skills–things you can work on with your kid that actually help.
Shouldn't she be able to get dressed by herself at this age? What consequence actually works?
If I've brought you along this far, the new mistake in this one is obvious: If our kids' behaviors result from not yet having the skills to handle their emotional reactions, consequences stop making sense. Because consequences don't build skills.
The real consequence of consequences, when kids are consistently failing to meet the same expectations, isn't better behavior; it's the opposite in my experience. Because the truth is, as Ross Greene stresses, kids want to do well. Yes, even your kid, even when she is at her worst.
Kids don't want to live with constant failure, they don't want to be punished on a daily basis, and they don't want to feel like they are disappointing the people they love and need most. But when this becomes their reality, they may choose to stay there. Because once they believe they're going to fail anyway, why even try?
So if your kid is consistently failing to meet the same expectations, try this: don't threaten consequences. Instead, ask yourself what's holding her back.
How do I make her understand she can't act like this? Why doesn't she listen?
As parents, some things feel so natural to us, we can't help but think that if only we could explain it to our kids with just the right words, they would immediately change their behavior.
But your child almost certainly knows what you expect already. She knows hitting is not okay and she heard what you asked her to do. But when kids with ADHD and autistic kids are overwhelmed, their brains aren't always able to focus on what you want them to in the moment.
So if you find yourself explaining the same things over and over, try this: stop talking. Ask yourself what she actually needs right now, to get back to a place where she can listen. It may simply be your calm presence.
Why is he so disrespectful to me when he's good for everyone else?
This one can be hardest to let go of. The error here can be hard to see, but seeing this one is a game changer. The error? Taking your child's words and actions as personal attacks.
Maybe your son tells you he hates you. Or your daughter says you're a bad mom. Or maybe the hitting and biting only seems to happen to you. Your first, second, and third instincts are to wonder why they are doing it to you.
But the truth is it may not be about you at all. They may be anxious about something completely unrelated and that worry spills over around you–because it has to go somewhere and you're the safest option.
Or maybe it is about you. Maybe they're afraid of losing you or need reassurance, and the approach their kid brain reaches for is to push you away, just to see if you stay.
So if you're asking "why me?," try this: take a deep breath, remind yourself he's having a hard time, and say, "I love you no matter what."
The two big shifts
Getting unstuck, for me, came down to learning to catch myself asking the wrong questions, then asking better ones instead.
Trade "how do I make her?" for "what is this telling me?" The behavior isn't the problem. The behavior is the clue. When she refuses to brush her teeth, it's not because she prefers bad breath or she wants to make you miserable, and forcing it with a standoff tonight won't make it less likely to happen tomorrow.
Trade "why won't she?" for "what's holding her back?" Won't is that pesky assumption that she could if only she had the proper motivation. It forces us to view our kids' behavior as a character defect, and prevents us from seeing what's really in the way. Maybe the toothbrush refusal is a sensory issue, maybe it's a way to put more space between now and the racing thoughts she knows will come along with being alone in bed. We can't solve the real problem if we never stop to look for it.
The questions that actually help
Once you make those shifts, a new set of questions opens up, and they are the ones that have actually helped me most with my kid:
1. What's going on underneath this behavior?
Don't stop at the immediate trigger, there's usually a lot more below the surface. Anxiety, sensory overload, a missing skill, unclear expectations, a change in routine, or simple exhaustion. It could be several of these at once. It could be something unique to today, or it could be something that's been brewing for weeks.
It may look like he exploded just because he didn't get the extra screen time he wanted. But underneath, the change to his routine because of dad's new job has been stressful and he just couldn't handle the screen transition today.
The more you're able to make these connections, the better you can understand the behavior you're seeing. And when you understand what's at the root of it, you can respond to that, instead of the surface behavior.
2. What's specific about my kid?
What sets them off, what calms them down, what is their actual capacity right now. Drop generic age as a compass and look at the kid in front of you.
Maybe you've figured out that your daughter is a lot more agreeable when she knows exactly what the plan for the day is in advance. Her refusal to stop at the park on the way home from running errands makes a lot more sense now, because you didn't mention it earlier.
It might still feel frustrating, but understanding how her brain works means it at least makes sense this time.
3. What do they need right now?
What will help him get back to calm right now. It might be a sensory object, it might be 5 extra minutes, it might be validating his emotions, or it might be saying nothing at all.
I promise you won't be sacrificing his future independence by giving him a little extra support today. You're building the relationship, the trust, and the connection that will help you move him toward that future.
4. What can I try?
Treat every tough moment as an experiment. With the information you have for looking beneath the behavior and observing what helps, you can try new approaches.
Maybe you see him melting down when his block tower falls over and try naming the feeling. But when you say, "that looked really frustrating," he gets more upset, not less. That's not a failure, that's information.
Don't pressure yourself to get it right every time. You'll gradually start noticing what helps. Sometimes nothing will help. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
"Isn't this giving in? How will they learn?"
They aren't learning with the old questions either. That's why you're here. If you're trying your best every day and still find yourself exhausted, frustrated, and losing hope–why not try something else?
I can't promise your kid will suddenly become someone they're not. That's not going to happen. But something else can change.
Living with the burden of judgment, both internal and external, of ourselves and of our kids, is what's truly exhausting. When you start asking the right questions, you finally let that judgment go and focus instead on the kid in front of you. Because now you know your child is a good kid having a hard time. You know that you're not failing when they don't simply comply. If you look deep down within yourself, I'm betting that's what your intuition is telling you already.
